I think I need a haircut.我覺得我該剪頭髮了You said that two weeks ago.你兩週前就這麼說了And I’ve done nothing about it.然後我什麼都沒做Want me to trim it for you?要我幫你修一下嗎？You’ve never cut hair in your life.你這輩子從沒剪過頭髮耶That’s what YouTube is for.YouTube就是為這種事存在的I’m not ready to look like a pineapple.我還沒準備好變成鳳梨頭Fine, let’s book a real appointment.好吧，那我們預約一間正規的You can come and narrate dramatically.你可以去現場幫我旁白“And now… the bangs begin.”「現在——瀏海即將誕生！」There’s a mystery package at the door.門口有一個神秘包裹Did you order something again?你又訂東西了嗎？Not that I remember…我不記得有耶……It’s heavy.很重耶Should we open it or call the bomb squad?我們該打開還是報警叫炸彈小組？It’s from my aunt.是我姑姑寄來的啦Mystery solved.謎團解開What’s inside?裡面是什麼？Homemade pickles.自製醃黃瓜She’s on her pickle era again.她又進入她的「醃漬時期」了Why is there a sock on the bookshelf?書架上為什麼有一隻襪子？Long story involving a cat, a fan, and gravity.長話短說：一隻貓、一台電風扇、再加上重力That explains nothing.這解釋根本沒解釋啊Let’s just say laundry day got weird.就說洗衣日變得很混亂啦Is the other sock accounted for?那另一隻襪子呢？Not yet. It’s on the run.還沒找到，正在逃亡中Should we report it missing?要不要通報失蹤？I’ll post a photo: “Last seen near the coffee table.”我來貼照片：「最後一次出現：咖啡桌附近。」Reward: fresh socks.酬謝：一雙新襪子Or emotional closure.或是一點心理安慰I just tried oat milk for the first time.我剛第一次嘗試燕麥奶Thoughts?感想如何？Tastes like regret with a hint of cardboard.嚐起來像加了紙板的後悔It’s an acquired taste.這是種需要習慣的味道So is sadness.就像悲傷一樣Want to go back to almond milk?要回去喝杏仁奶嗎？Too nutty.太堅果了Soy milk?那豆漿呢？Maybe I’ll just drink water.還是我乾脆喝水好了Safe and predictable.穩定又不冒險The bathroom door squeaks like a haunted house.浴室門開的時候吱吱叫，像鬼屋一樣Yeah, it’s giving horror movie vibes.對啊，有恐怖片的感覺Should I oil the hinges?我要拿潤滑油處理一下門鉸鍊嗎？Please do. I flinch every time I open it.拜託處理，我每次打開都被嚇一跳Adds suspense to brushing your teeth.刷牙都像驚悚片Nothing like jump-scares at 7 a.m.清晨七點的跳嚇特效Want me to fix it now?要我現在修嗎？Only if you don’t make it worse.只要你不把它弄更糟就好I’ll YouTube “how not to break hinges.”我來查「如何不把門修壞」Great, we love low standards.太好了，我們愛這種低標準I saw you dancing in the kitchen earlier.我剛剛看到你在廚房跳舞耶It was a victory dance—I found the remote.那是勝利之舞——我找到遙控器了Under the fridge again?又掉到冰箱下面了？As always.一如往常I think it lives there now.它現在應該住在那了It’s attracted to dark places.它就是喜歡黑暗的地方Like my motivation on Mondays.就像我週一的動力Let’s attach a string to it next time.下次我們綁條線在遙控器上好了Or get a neon pink remote cover.或是用螢光粉紅色保護套No way we’d lose that.絕對不會再找不到I burned the popcorn.我把爆米花燒焦了How bad are we talking?多嚴重？Fire alarm bad.嚴重到觸發火警警報Yikes.哇…I panicked and pressed “potato” instead of “popcorn.”我慌了，按成「馬鈴薯」鍵不是「爆米花」That’s a bold cooking method.真大膽的料理方式I ruined movie night snacks.我毀了電影夜的零食We’ll forgive you with ice cream.吃冰淇淋我們就原諒你Already scooped.我已經挖好了Redemption secured.贖罪成功Do you know where the duct tape went?你知道我們的膠帶去哪了嗎？Isn’t it in the junk drawer?在那個雜物抽屜裡不是嗎？It was… until the junk took over.原本是在…現在被雜物淹沒了Sounds like a mission.聽起來像一場任務Should we wear helmets?我們要戴安全帽嗎？Just gloves and courage.戴手套再加上一點勇氣就夠了I’ll bring a flashlight.我來帶手電筒And snacks, in case we get trapped.還要帶零食，以防被困住You never know in that drawer.那抽屜什麼都有可能發生It’s basically Narnia.它根本是納尼亞I think my left earbud is dying.我左耳的耳機好像快壞了Again?又壞啦？It only lasts 30 minutes now.現在只能撐三十分鐘That’s a nap, not a listening session.那根本是午睡模式不是音樂播放I’ll try resetting it.我來重設看看Or gently yelling at it.或者對它溫柔大喊That always works with tech.科技都吃這招Or gives you emotional release.至少我可以發洩一下Time for new ones?是不是該換新的了？Sadly, yes.無奈但認同I dreamt we were late to the airport.我夢到我們趕不上飛機We’re not even traveling.但我們根本沒要出國啊Still, I woke up in a panic.可是我還是驚醒了Sounds like travel PTSD.聽起來像旅遊後遺症Remember the time we forgot the tickets?記得我們那次忘記帶機票嗎？And had to bribe a printer at 6 a.m.?然後清晨六點去拜託超難搞的印表機？Never again.絕不重蹈覆轍I now triple-check everything.現在我所有東西都三重確認Anxiety makes great planners.焦慮者的行程規劃能力真的一流We should go somewhere… eventually.我們哪天應該還是去旅遊啦The cereal shelf collapsed.穀片層架塌了So breakfast attacked you?所以是早餐向你發動攻擊？Basically.差不多吧Did you survive?你還活著嗎？Barely. I’m covered in Cheerios.勉強，我整個人都被Cheerios包圍了A crunchy battle.一場酥脆的戰役Let’s reorganize it today.我們今天來重新整理它吧Alphabetically?要不要照字母順序排？Calm down, librarian.你冷靜點，好嗎，圖書館員？Sorry, cereal chaos triggered me.抱歉，穀片的混亂讓我崩潰了The toaster smells like burnt rubber.烤麵包機聞起來像燒焦橡膠That’s… concerning.這聽起來不妙Should we retire it?是不是該讓它退休了？It’s probably older than my college degree.它應該比我大學文憑還老Sentimental toast maker.一台有感情的吐司機Let’s get a new one.我們還是買新的吧Maybe one with seven buttons and LED lights.要買那種有七個按鈕還有LED燈的So we can feel like we’re piloting a spaceship.這樣才像在開太空船Into breakfast.衝向早餐宇宙Boldly toasting where no one has toasted before.勇敢地烘烤前人未烘烤之地The umbrella flipped inside out.傘又被風吹翻了That means you officially lost the rain battle.代表你正式輸給了雨天It folded like a taco in the wind.它在風中像墨西哥捲一樣折起來R.I.PR.I.PWant me to hold it while you run inside?要我幫你拿著傘讓你先跑進去？Or we both run and hope for the best.還是我們一起跑，靠運氣撐過去We’ll dry fast if we pretend it’s a shower.假裝在洗澡就不覺得濕了Positive thinking!積極思考萬歲！Also wet thinking.也叫「濕答答地想像」Let’s just run.好啦，我們跑吧I went to the post office today.我今天去了郵局Brave.你好勇敢The line was a maze.隊伍像迷宮一樣Sounds like a side quest.根本支線任務I filled out the wrong form twice.我還填錯表兩次Classic.標準流程Did you mail the package though?那你有寄成功嗎？Eventually.最後有啦I deserve a cookie.我值得一塊餅乾And a nap.還有一場午睡Your shoes are squeaking again.你的鞋子又開始吱吱叫了It’s the floor’s fault.是地板的錯Blame the floor, sure.好啊，就怪地板Or I’m secretly tap dancing.或者我其實是偷偷在打踢踏舞Unintentionally stylish.無意間時尚起來Want to borrow my sneakers?要不要穿我的運動鞋？I need the drama.我需要戲劇效果You’re squeaking into every room like an entrance.你走進每個房間都像大登場Just trying to be memorable.我只是想讓人印象深刻Mission accomplished.目標達成The fan is making weird clicking sounds.電風扇發出怪聲，一直喀喀響Probably needs cleaning.可能該清一清了Or it’s sending Morse code.或是它在用摩斯密碼求救“Help… me… I’m dusty…”「救…命…我滿是灰塵…」Let’s open it up later.我們等等拆開來看看You clean, I supervise.你負責清，我負責監督You mean judge.你是說「評斷」吧？Only lovingly.我是充滿愛地評論啦Let’s not lose any screws.千萬別把螺絲弄丟Too late.太晚了I tried using dry shampoo for the first time.我第一次用乾洗髮Thoughts?感覺如何？My hair smells like a floral explosion.我的頭髮現在像花香爆炸現場But does it look clean?那看起來有乾淨嗎？Clean-ish.算是乾淨-ishWe’ll call it “effortless.”我們就叫它「自然隨興風」That’s what dry shampoo is for.乾洗髮的真諦Next level: no-shower Sunday.下一階段：週日免洗髮Revolutionary.革命性And slightly gross.也有點噁My planner is full, but I’ve done nothing.我的手帳寫滿了，但我什麼都沒做Planning is productive too!寫計畫也是一種效率！I feel organized in theory.至少感覺很有條理That’s half the battle.那已經贏一半了What’s the other half?另一半是什麼？Actually doing the things.實際去做那些事Yikes.啊這……Let’s start with one thing today.那今天先完成一件事就好Like drinking water?比如喝水？Productivity unlocked.效率已解鎖The light in the fridge went out.冰箱燈壞了So now it’s mysterious snack time.現在拿東西好像在玩神秘抽抽樂I grabbed yogurt, but it was butter.我以為拿的是優格，結果是奶油Plot twist.意想不到的轉折Want to fix the bulb later?要不要等一下修那顆燈泡？I’ll YouTube it.我去查YouTubeWe really owe YouTube everything.我們真的欠YouTube太多Including our shelf-stable sanity.包含我們那一點點維持住的理智Let’s label everything until then.我們先幫所有東西貼上標籤吧“This is cheese, not whipped cream.”「這是起司，不是鮮奶油」The plants are drooping.植物都垂頭喪氣的I thought you watered them.我以為你有澆水？I talked to them.我有跟它們講話啊That’s not hydration.那不算補水They looked sad, so I gave them a pep talk.它們看起來很難過，所以我給了鼓勵Try water next time.下次加水一起給啦Fine. Pep talk plus water.好啦，水＋打氣雙管齊下Watch them bloom from both.等著看它們一起綻放Plants thrive on vibes and moisture.植物靠水與好 vibes 生存Just like us.就跟我們一樣